Some rules for winter running

Baby, it's cold outside. Sure, we had a bit of a January thaw. But the wind is howling again, reminding us that winter is not over yet. We'll be shivering through a few more runs before we don shorts and T-shirts.

Winter running has its own rules of etiquette. Runners are not always known for their manners. (Sweating profusely in public erodes one's sense of appropriate civic comportment.) Nevertheless, there is a Code of the Road that we runners respect. The Code includes the important principle, "what happens on the road, stays on the road", among other things. Part of the Code deals with winter running. What follows is the portion of the Runner's Code of the Road that deals specifically with winter running.

1. In no case shall any runner comment, "Eh, cold enough for you?" Runners should assume that, in fact, it is more than cold enough for everyone.

2. In some cases, it may be difficult to identify fellow runners due to the amount of apparel runners wear in the winter, including hats, neck gaitors and balaclavas. Runners should feel free to ask other runners to identify themselves and should not arbitrarily resort to calling everyone "Nanook of the North". The term "Nanook of the North" should be properly reserved for the runner who shows up wearing five layers, including a long jacket with fur trim and mukluks (ie Mariana).

3. Remember to remove one's balaclava before entering a bank or approaching a bank machine.

4. No matter how tempting it may be, runners should not lick metal poles or fences, nor should they encourage the foreigners running with them to lick metal poles or fences. (I learned this lesson the hard way when I was about four years old. My Dad let me play outside in the snow, but told me not to lick any metal poles. I immediately assumed all metal poles were made of candy and promptly affixed my tongue to the metal monkey bars outside our house. This trauma has been seared into my brain. The monkey bars were not made of candy.)

5. Runners should wipe their noses with the fuzzy part of their running gloves, typically located on the thumbs of said gloves. Runners should always remove their gloves before shaking hands, however, so as to avoid snot transfer.

6. Never, under any circumstances, eat yellow snow.

7. There is no need to point out yellow snow during the run.

8. Runners should carry water in their water belts, not coffee, tea, or rum.

9. Cold weather is no excuse for increased whining. However, surviving a run on a particularly cold day is a reason for wining and dining.

10. As a general rule, winter running tights that are being held together with duct tape should only be worn underneath wind pants and never as a single layer. Try to maintain a modicum of dignity even as one runs with frozen eyelashes, snot frozen on one's gloves, and with so many layers that the run is more of a fast waddle than a run.

11. Snowfall fights are permitted during runs. However, if you start a snowball fight, it is advisable that you be able to outrun every other runner in your pack because retaliation for unprovoked attacks is part of the MAD (Mutually Assured Destruction) defense system.

12. Runners should show deference to non-runners who look at them as though they are crazy for running in Arctic temperatures, snow storms, etc. After all, all runners are a little bit daft and those who run during the winter are particularly so.

13. No matter how a runner is feeling, she should attempt to appear to be enjoying her run when passing by non-runners. It's good to maintain the impression that all runners are daft. It keeps people from messing with us.